


Give me a minute to hold my girl

by Greenandwhitestripes



Category: The Wilds (TV 2020)
Genre: Alternate Universe, Angst, Death, Drinking, F/F, Miscarriage, OOC
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-02-24
Updated: 2021-03-15
Packaged: 2021-03-15 03:47:06
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 4,181
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29677929
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Greenandwhitestripes/pseuds/Greenandwhitestripes
Summary: It had been three days. Three days of silence, of pain, of trying not to drink the somehow still unopened bottle of vodka. Three days of staring at that godforsaken ring.  Three days of being able to say she had truly lost everything, well everything apart from her sobriety, although that vodka was becoming more and more tempting every time her eyes drifted to it, not being able to handle the ring anymore. Yet it was that ring that stopped her every time she reached for it.
Relationships: Dot Campbell/Fatin Jadmani, Shelby Goodkind/Toni Shalifoe
Comments: 9
Kudos: 68





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> I originally had this idea for a different fandom, but I didn't have the balls to write it so I'm writing it now. OOC because I don't think this is how some of these girls would act but I just had to get the idea out of my head. Hope you guys enjoy it. 
> 
> Title comes from Hold my girl by George Ezra. Its the song that gave me the idea, so if you're like me and like a song with your fics that's what I would recommend. 
> 
> Tags updated as we go

It had been three days. Three days of silence, of pain, of trying not to drink the somehow still unopened bottle of vodka. Three days of staring at that godforsaken ring. Three days of being able to say she had truly lost everything, well everything apart from her sobriety, although that vodka was becoming more and more tempting every time her eyes drifted to it, not being able to handle the ring anymore. Yet it was that ring that stopped her every time she reached for it. 

\---Three days ago ---

_“Come on Fatin. I know she’s here, just let me talk to her.” Toni was desperate. Actually, desperate was probably and understatement but all she knew was that she had to talk to Shelby. She couldn’t leave it like this. God, why wouldn’t she just talk to her._

_“I’m sorry Toni, but she doesn’t want to talk to you.” Fatin voice was soft but it didn’t help the ache in Toni’s heart, something that had been a constant in her life for the past month and a half. “She’s hurting, give her time.”_

_Toni hated the pity in Fatin’s eyes. Hated that everyone seemed to look at her like that these days._

_“Fuck, Fatin please. She can’t just… She… I-“ The tears were coming now. Years ago, Toni would have been embarrassed to be crying on her friends front porch but right now she didn’t care. She just had to talk to Shelby, not even talk, just see her. Just hold her. Toni needed her._

_“I’m sorry.”_

_“Please.”_

_“Go home, Toni.” And with that the door was shut in her face._

\------

The memories were painful, but so was everything else. Just looking around their home (could she still call it that?) was painful. She’d spent the last few days on the couch, not wanting to think about how much it would hurt to go into their room. She could smell Shelby’s sent from just walking past to go to the bathroom. The smell would be sweet and perfect and so strong that she was starting to smell it from the couch.

God, she hated feelings. If only there was a way to stop them. It was with this thought that her eyes drifted towards the bottle that had been taunting her since she bought it. One sip couldn’t hurt, could it? What did it matter anyway, the one person who saved her had now left her.

“Fuck it.”

The ring wouldn’t be able to stop her this time. Why not lose absolutely everything she had?

\------

_Toni couldn’t help it. The feelings were becoming to much and whenever there were too many she always picked anger. A fist on the door and Fatin’s vase shattered on the floor. The sight of the vase on the floor was enough to stop her from breaking anything else. She couldn’t ruin anything else. She wouldn’t ruin anything else. That’s not how she could get Shelby to come back home._

_With the anger now gone all she could feel was the pain, so she broke, maybe she could ruin one more thing, its not like Shelby would know if she was locked up in Dot and Fatin’s. So, she got in her car and drove to the nearest liquor store._

_As she reached for the largest bottle they had, she noticed the band of gold on her finger and could feel it staring to burn. Suddenly the vodka didn’t seem like such a good idea. Maybe just a small bottle. That would be enough, right?_

\------

It wasn’t enough, but that’s okay she could always run to the store and buy some more. Before she could tell herself not too, her fingers were wrapping around her keys and the sound of an engine was filling her ears.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I got excited and decided to procrastinate. Good news is you lucky people get two chapters (Ch 3 will be up in a couple hours once I've given it a couple read throughs). Bad news is that I'm now behind on coursework so it might be a while before I can write Ch 4. 
> 
> *Not to spoil the chapter but I thought it would be best to warn this chapter talks about miscarriage.*

The sound of voices at the front door filled her ears, as she was crouched on the floor. Tears where streaming down her face.

How did it get to this? They had been so happy, and now… now she couldn’t even look her wife in the eye.

\------

_Two lines. Two beautiful pink lines. Shelby couldn’t believe it. Her prayers had been answered. All those rounds of IVF and final they were getting what they wanted. She couldn’t help the tears that came to her eyes. God, she doesn’t think she’s ever been happier._

_When she steps out of the bathroom, Toni’s there a concerned look on her face. Soon she’s being embraced into a hug._

_“Hey, don’t cry. It’s okay, we’ll just try again.”_

_Shelby raised her head from where it had been buried into Toni’s shoulder, the other girls hands loosening around her. She looked at the other girls with an amused look on her face. “No, these are happy tears.”_

_“Happy tears?”_

_“Happy tears.”_

_Toni’s arms wrapped around her waist again and before she knew it Shelby was being lifted of the ground and spun around._

_“I don’t think I’ve ever loved you more than I do right now.”_

_Toni let Shelby’s feet hit touch the ground again and let out a laugh as she pulled Shelby into a loving kiss._

_Shelby smiled into the kiss, muttering her response “You say that every time something big happens.”_

_“Yeah, well, maybe that’s because you keep giving me more and more reasons to love you.”_

\------

She felt Dot’s arms wrap around her and the whisper of comforting words in her ear as the memories flooded to her mind.

\------

_“I was thinking, if it’s a girl, we could call her… Martha.”_

_“Martha?”_

_“Yeah, ‘cause, y’know, without her we never would have met and, I don’t know, it just seems right.”_

_“Martha’s perfect.”_

\------

Shelby turned into Dot at the sound of a bang on the door and the sound of a smash outside. A sound of broken promises. This was all her fault. Her fault they were in so much pain. Her fault they had barley spoken in the past weeks. Her fault she couldn’t give Toni something they had waited so long for.

\------

_“C-Can I hold her? Jus-Just for a minute.” Shelby watched as the tears started to stream down Toni’s face as the nurse turned to face Toni. She watched as Toni rose from her position by her side on the bed. Watched as she took hold of the baby, their baby, cradling her into her chest._

_And suddenly she couldn’t watch anymore. She couldn’t take the pain in her heart as she saw Toni holding their baby, looking at her with such sadness in her eyes. God, this was supposed to be different. She was supposed to be happy right now, not feeling like her entire world had caved in._

_Shelby turned in the hospital bed away from her wife and child. She closed her eyes, just hoping to find some escape from this nightmare and the silence of the room. The deathly silence of the room was soon filled as Toni started to talk to their daughter._

_“Hey, you are the tiniest little thing I’ve ever seen. Little Martha.”_

_Shelby felt tears running down her face as she listened to Toni. How could she let this happen? She had done everything right. Looked after herself. Made sure she wasn’t doing too much. What had she done wrong?_

_“You got that name from someone very special. Someone who would have loved to have meet you. Someone who was almost as perfect as you.”_

_Toni’s words were meant to be comforting, but it just felt like a thousand daggers were being forced into Shelby’s heart._

_“I just wanted you to know that you are so loved. And your mom and I, we will never forget you.”_

_Shelby couldn’t help the sobs that came out now. Couldn’t help the way her whole body shook as she cried. Soon she felt Toni join her on the bed and wrap her arms around her, trying to comfort her, but it just made her feel worse and cry harder._


	3. Chapter 3

It had been a week since Toni had broken her sobriety and she couldn’t care less. Why had she given this shit up in the first place? One look at the ring on her finger and there was her answer. Not that it mattered anymore. Shelby still wouldn’t take her call and Dot and Fatin where still refusing to let her talk to her. The rejected calls just making her want to drink more. Not that they would know that, she always made sure to call when she was sober. She could already picture the disappointment on Shelby’s face when she finds out – _if_ she finds out.

Toni had already had her rejected phone call of the day and was well on her way to feeling delightfully numb. At least she was until she’d run out of booze…again. No worries, she had practically memorised the drive to the liquor store over the last week. She could probably do it blind, although that wouldn’t be the best idea considering she’s already doing it drunk.

Maybe doing it drunk wasn’t a great idea either but once again that thought only entered her head once she was already half way to the store. She was such a fucking idiot. Why would she think this was ever a good idea? This is how Mar…

Her thought was interrupted by a flash of red and blue behind her. Fuck.

\------

“Okay, Shalifoe, you get a phone call. Get someone to come bail you out, so I can have my cell back.”

Toni looked at her phone in the officers had a knew that there was no one she wanted to call right now. She was better just waiting it out.

“I’m good.”

“Really? You’ve not got anyone you want to call.”

“Nope. I’ve got no one.”

“Wedding band on your finger says differently.” This pissed her off. Who the fuck was this guy? He sees one ring and suddenly he knows everything about her.

“You really want me to call. Fine.” Toni grabbed the phone from his hand and went to her contacts. She could just call Shelby and be sent straight to voicemail but the idea of getting out of this cell was growing on her. She might as well call someone that would at least answer.

There was also the off chance that Shelby would actually answer this time and she didn’t want their first interaction in weeks to be her asking for bail. Or that Shelby would know she broke her promise Although broken promises didn’t seem to bother Shelby recently.

The phone was answered on the third ring. “Hello?”

“Hey, Fatin, its me.”

“Toni?”

“Yeah, listen I need a fav-“

“You have to stop calling, Toni. Shelby doesn’t want to talk to you.” Toni could hear the frustration in her voice. She’d been calling Fatin for the past week hoping to talk to Shelby. The answer was always no and always lead to more drinking.

“Tha-“

“Not yet anyway. Just give her some time and space.”

“I know. I-“

“If you know, then why do you keep calling? This isn’t good for anyone Toni. Just… just go away… just for a bit, please.” The line went dead. Toni could hear the slight pain in her voice as she said it but that didn’t mean it hurt any less.

Toni looked at the officer. She could feel the tears starting to pool in her eyes, no booze around to stop them this time.

“I told you, I’ve got no one.”

“There’s got to be someone. Don’t you have a mom or something? Someone who would drop anything for you?”

“I used to, but I don’t think they’d be much help right now.”

“Gotta be worth a try.”

Toni let out a sigh. She could deal with Fatin seeing her like this but not her. She knew the officer was right though, who else was there? She picked the phone back up and called that last person she wanted to.

“Hey, Mrs B. It’s Toni.”

\------

Shelby was in Dot and Fatin’s kitchen when Fatin’s phone rang. Fatin was trying to force her way through a bowl of cereal as she hadn’t eaten for a while. (“I know you’re, like, crazy depressed right now but you still got to eat.”) The other girl was quick to scurry out the room once she heard the voice on the other end, that meant it could only be one person.

“What did she want?” Shelby couldn’t help herself from asking the moment Fatin re-entered the room. 

“I don’t know. I just told her to stop calling.”

Shelby returned the tight-lip smile Fatin gave her before she went back to looking at her half-eaten bowl of cereal. She was able to stomach 3 more mouthfuls before her own phone went off.

“I swear to God, if that’s her again, I’ll go over and kick her ass for you.”

“It’s fine Fatin. It’s Martha’s mom.” Shelby informed as she got up to take the call. She could hear a soft “Oh” as she left the kitchen.

“Hey Bernice.”


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's been a while. Sorry about that but life happened. This chapter is a look Shelby and Toni's life before the story started.
> 
> Might be another wait for the next chapter.

Toni couldn’t believe it. All she wanted was to hang out with her best friend, but it seems her best friend has a new best friend. All week Marty kept going on and on about the new girl that joined her girl scouts. Shelby from Texas. Shelby who goes to the fancy school across town. Shelby who was able to sell all of her cookies last year. Shelby who was at Martha’s house when Toni’s mom dropped her off like she did every Saturday.

“I wanted you to meet. I think you’ll like each other.” Toni couldn’t help but scoff at Martha when she explained why Shelby was there. “Giver her a chance. She’s nice. Plus, we’re about to go into the 5th grade, we need to know more people for when we get to middle school.”

“She doesn’t even go to our school.”

“Be nice.” were the last words Martha could say before a head of blond hair approached them.

“Hi, I’m Shelby. You must be Toni.”

“Yeah, that’s me.” It was Martha that broke the awkward silence that followed with the suggestion of some lemonade and a game of hide and go seek.

Toni’s not sure what it was but somewhere between find Shelby hiding behind Martha’s laundry basket and her mom coming to picker her up (only 2 hours late this week) something changed and on the way home Toni couldn’t help but think that maybe Shelby wasn’t that bad after all.

\---

Shelby being at Martha’s house was something that became a regular thing, not that Toni minded as they soon became best friends. Every weekend the three of them would hang out and get into all sorts of trouble, well it was mostly Toni getting in trouble with Martha’s neighbours while the other two laughed at her, but Toni enjoyed being the one to put a smile on their face, even if Mrs Sullivan was a mean old lady. 

Eventually Shelby’s parents would come to pick her up and Toni would be left on Martha’s front porch waiting for her own mother to come and pick her up, except as the weeks went on Toni found herself waiting longer and longer for her mom to turn up. It was half-way through 5th grade when she first ended up spending the night on the Martha’s bedroom floor, Mrs Blackburn offering her a sad smile as she gave Toni some spare blankets. The excuses where weak but Toni didn’t bother to question them, she knew better than that. Her mom always had another excuse (lie) hidden away somewhere.

The third time Toni’s mom didn’t show up (only a few weeks later) Toni made up her own excuse, saying her mom had told her to take the bus home, not wanting to be burden on the Blackburn’s again, or more precisely not wanting to have to deal with the look Mrs Blackburn had started to give her. The only problem with this was that when Toni got to the bus stop she realised she didn’t have the money to get the bus, so she was left to walk the rest of the way home.

Toni was half way home when a shiny white car pulled up along side her. She looked into the window and to her relief recognised the man as Shelby’s dad, the blond girl herself sitting in the back of the car.

There was a small conversation between them before Toni found herself joining her best friend in the back of the car, giving Mr Goodkind direction home. When they arrived, Toni had tried to convince the man to stay in the car and go, but he insisted on wanting to be sure she got inside safely, telling Shelby to wait in the car. When they reached to door Toni picked up the spare key hidden under the mat and opened to door, trying not to open the door too much to stop Mr Goodkind form seeing the sight of her mother in the front room that she had gotten used to over the last few months. Unfortunately, she failed in her task, Mr Goodkind offering her the same sad smile Mrs Blackburn had started to give her as he started to ask her questions she didn’t want to answer.

Soon it wasn’t just Mr Goodkind asking question she didn’t want to answer as more and more grown ups turned up in front of her house. Toni found herself getting more and more overwhelmed, so she did the only thing she could think of and ran. She was quick enough to get away but not to escape her best friend who was able to catch up to her (Shelby had always won the races they had in the Martha’s back garden).

When Shelby had caught up to her, they were in the old trailer park by an old beat up truck that had long ago been abandoned. Shelby looked at her, a sad smile on her face, but this wasn’t like the ones all the grown ups had offered her, for once it was actually comforting. Toni felt the tears stating to fall as she looked at Shelby and moved to sit on the back of the truck, feeling exhausted from the day. Toni was wiping away her tears when the other girl moved to sit next to her and she offered something to Toni. The brunette offered back a confused look when she looked at the strawberry ice-cream in Shelby’s hand.

“Spencer dropped Melody’s barbie in the toilet.”

That did not help the confusion but at least made Toni laugh. “She was upset so me and Daddy went to get some ice-cream to make her feel better. You look like you could use it more. I’m sure she won’t mind. And if she does, we can always get more.”

Toni accepted the ice-cream, which was half-melted at this point, and opened the carton.

“We don’t have any spoons.”

\---

Soon Toni had made it into the 8th grade. Shelby still went the fancy school on the other side of town (Toni had eventually learned the name of said school was St. Mark’s) but they were still as close as ever.

One the few perks of foster care that Toni had found was the freedom it gave her. As long as her foster parents saw her once every few weeks, she was able to go as she pleased. That meant heading to the old trailer park and finding the old truck that she had found with Shelby all those years ago. This had somehow become their spot. Somewhere that they could be alone together without the rest of the world’s eyes on them. No one else new about it, not even Marty.

When Toni got to the truck, Shelby was already there sitting in the bed, under the one of the few blankets the two had stored there over the years, with her back resting on the cab of the truck, tears streaming down her face.

Toni didn’t say anything as she got of her bike and reached into her backpack, pulling out a pint of strawberry ice-cream and two spoons. She offered Shelby a small smile as she offered her one of the spoons, which was accepted as Toni joined the blonde in the back of the truck. The two just sat there in silence as they ate the ice-cream and Shelby cried softly.

Eventually the ice-cream was gone and Shelby was now wrapped in Toni’s arms when the silence was finally broken.

“I’m sorry about your Grandma.”

\---

Toni was lying in the back of the truck when she heard footsteps approaching. It was a surprise to her when she saw Martha walk up to the side of the truck.

“How did you find me?”

She had messed up. She couldn’t control her anger and now she had lost someone who had become one of the most important people in her life. She couldn’t blame Reagan though, she deserved to be dumped, who would want to stick with a piece of shit like her anyway.

“Shelby texted me. Said to tell you she was sorry she wasn’t here and to give you this.” Toni couldn’t help the chuckle that came out when she saw Martha holding a pint of strawberry ice-cream. Shelby was on a school trip to Mexico, but she was somehow still able to comfort Toni from a thousand miles away.

“Where are you staying tonight?”

“You’re looking at it.”

“No.”

“No?”

“You’re coming home with me.”

\---

Toni ended up becoming one of the family according to Mrs Blackburn as she ended up living with them after her breakup with Regan. She wasn’t sure how much she believed that but she was starting to. That’s how she found herself at the Blackburn’s over winter break, her junior year of college.

That’s also how she found herself in the back of an old beat-up truck staring at the stars, tears steaming from her face desperately wishing that she wasn’t part of that family. Desperately wishing that the world wasn’t so cruel. Desperately wishing that she could go back in time a change everything.

It was getting harder and harder to hold in her tears. She didn’t even know why she was trying to hold them in. Maybe crying would just make it feel all to real. Maybe she just wanted to control one thing about her life. Maybe if she wasn’t so deep in her own mind she would have heard the footsteps coming up to the truck and wouldn’t have been so startled when a head of blonde hair came into her view.

Shelby didn’t bother holding back her tears, letting them stream freely down her face. The sight was enough to for Toni to let herself start to cry again, and if it wasn’t the sight of strawberry ice-cream was.

“I didn’t know what else to do.”

Toni took the ice-cream, fiddling with the carton in her hands, before looking at Shelby again.

“You forgot the spoons.”

Shelby reached into her back pocket to reveal a spoon, and Toni was glad. Maybe ice-cream would make it better, would be enough, like it was all those times before.

\---

Ice cream wasn’t enough. God nothing was. How could anything make this pain go away? Well, one thing could, booze. And lots of it. That’s all that seemed to be able to help Toni over the last couple of months. Every night when the pain was too much and nothing could stop it she found herself at a local bar or at a liquor store buying different concoctions that would be able to numb everything for her.

Toni knew it wasn’t good for her, or for anyone that had the unfortunate task of dealing with her, but she couldn’t help it. It was the only way to make the pain go away.

It was after the funeral that Toni had flown back to collage. She couldn’t bare the memories that came with being in Minnesota and thought she would be fine once she got away, but she was wrong.

It had taken two weeks of missed calls before Shelby had decided to follow her. To try and help her, stop her from going down this path. But if Toni was being honest, she always felt like she was destined for it, destined to end up like her mother. There was nothing Shelby could do, so she just shut her out. Wouldn’t answer the door, wouldn’t answer her phone, wouldn’t even look at Shelby as she left her apartment when the blonde was camped outside of her door. Toni didn’t want her help.

Three days into Shelby being camped outside her door, she eventually let her in. Not by her own decision, but because Mrs B. had called her. (“I’ve already lost one daughter, don’t make me lose another. Please just let Shelby in. We’re all worried about you.” At least that’s what the voice mail said).

“Ice-cream wasn’t enough.”

**Author's Note:**

> How did I do? I know my writing can be a bit all over the place so please let me know. No beta so let me know if there are any mistakes I've missed. 
> 
> I can't promise regular updates so I don't know when the next chapter will be out, sorry.


End file.
